I am a devotee of many of my breast cancer "colleagues" blogs. Fabulous, courageous, funny, warm, honest women whom I have never met personally. But who have provided me with a window to share my journey; as well as varying perspectives to color and inform my own path.
In viewing a link to another post via "Desiderdata" http://desideratajourney.blogspot.com/ today, I came across a hauntingly beautiful and profound black and white retrospective, lovingly documented by a husband, of his wife's breast cancer journey.
It is a must-see: http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/. I set it to "slide-show" and was so captivated I found myself on the fourth loop before I could tear myself away. And then I found myself emotionally staggered. This is not Pink.This is the reality
It is not necessarily the battle with cancer that we (the collective "we") are fighting. Rather it is the battle with the treatment. If the cancer doesn't kill "us" the treatment most certainly will.
I knew this. But somehow the harsh reality of this obvious fact hit me in the chest today - literally. Treatment has been the most contentious battle-front, for me, since my BC-Day -- July 8, 2009.
It is not the dying of cancer that gives me night terrors. It is the living as a cancer patient that sends me physiologically reeling.
TC,
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an honest posting. I agree that the blogging community that we are a part of is filled with amazing women. Even though I haven't met any, I still feel close to them.
Treatment is hard, there's no doubt about it. The stupid thing is unless people can physically see the obvious signs like hair loss, weight loss or other visible sign they find it difficult to comprehend just how relentless it is. Right now my big bugaboo is monstrous fatigue caused by low white blood cell counts. Sunday's usually my crash day, and yet I
ReplyDeletestill find myself having to explain why I can't make Sunday dinner with the inlaws. They just don't get how debilitating it really is.
Triple "C" - Agreed. Even without the chemo & radiation, I contend with monstrous fatigue - due to low RBC & WBC. And nearly constant pain. I never wake up in the a.m. feeling good. It takes me a couple of hours to get "charged" enough to get going. And, I still get..."but you look good" (and that is what is so important!) I also find it interesting that if I make any side comment through a work day about being "tired" I often get met with "you're tired, I spent all night cleaning and cooking." Or something similar. I stay quiet, because everyone has their own individual threshold for stress and fatigue. I also think that for those close to us (e.g. your in-laws) it is a form of "coping" with our chronic situation. We scream to not be treated as a "cancer patient" -- so we should not grumble too much for getting what we ask for (LOL!)
ReplyDeleteTC, You raise such an important point here. The treatment of this darn disease is really really tough. It's odd that we often go into this treatment feeling (and maybe even looking) pretty good and come out, well, permanently "damaged." And I know what you mean about the "staying quiet." Sometimes it's just easier that way isn't it?
ReplyDelete@Nancy - which is why we blog. In the blogosphere we don't need to stay quiet. You bring up an integral aspect to the cancer cunundrum -- "permanently damaged by the treatment." People forget that "treatment" does not equate to "cure." Refer to the SABCS paper on the combo of hormonal meds to increase the "survival" of mets patients by six months. But what is the quality of life for those clinging to the 6 months? The picture in my mind's eye is a hamster on a wheel.
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