Her Friend...

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Dear "Her Friend." Please forgive me for my impulsive presumption to share your expressions on my blog. They are so honest. One of the more honest things I have heard or read from an involved spectator. So much so that I felt compelled to memorialize them as part of my personal (public) journal. Your honesty empowers me. Thank you!

Her Friend...we just found out yesterday that it is HER2 invasive ductal carcinoma. I say "we" because she is such a huge part of my heart and life that I really feel like this is happening to both of us. I'm angry about so many things.

I'm angry that she has to go through the worst part, when it should be me. She, like you, has always been the healthy one...organic, vegetarian, non-smoker, nature lover, etc. while I always do everything "wrong". I only quit smoking a year ago (except during the breeding years) when I was forced to in order to donate. For years and years she has been nagging me about all the things that are bad for me.

I'm angry that I can't be there with her for every doctor appointment and treatment, etc. because she now lives 2 hrs away and I have to work a job I hate for a man I hate even more.

I'm angry this disease is threatening to take my best friend away from me and there is no other person in the world who knows me like she does.

I'm angry about things I can't even articulate. I'm just angry.

And then I feel guilty because it feels so selfish to be angry. After all, it's not my body, it's her body. It's not my life being threatened, it's her life.

And now I feel guilty for ranting to you, when you are having to live with this fight every day.

This sucks!

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TC...Cancer sucks chica -- for everyone. Be angry. Be confused. But do not indulge in guilt. Feel. Face and embrace all those emotions and own them. Have a glass of wine. Have a smoke, if you need. Then get off your arse, get empowered, and let your BFF know that you are there in any way she may need -- which may include giving her some distance.

I truly believe that cancer sucks more for those whom we love that are the spectators. I found a bizarre...surreal, actually, clarity in being forced to confront my immortality. It is stifling and liberating at the same time. Help each other find that clarity.