I have not whined in awhile. Ranted, yes. Personally played my own pity violin - not in awhile. I am due.
I find that I am tired. Almost all of the time.
I have noticed that the dark blue circles under my eyes are becoming fixtures, and creeping slowly toward where the "apples" of my cheeks used to be. I am going through the concealer like its lip balm.
At times I sleep, literally, like the dead. Other times, the slightest sound, rustle, movement startles me awake.
The dreams are curiouser and curiouser.
The pains are curiouser and curiouser; and more persistent.
My body feels like its on full-tilt. I am so keenly aware of every breath, every rumble, every stab, stress, pull, pop. Yet, at the same time I am disassociated from it all.
Something new will manifest, and take hold. My husband asks: "are you concerned?"
Sometimes.
The little voice buried in my semi-conscious wonders "is this symptomatic of ...?..." "should I pull out the latest written orders for tests and just allow the poking and prodding to go on?" "Do you really want to do a fourth vaginal ultrasound and pelvic MRI, just because no one can definitively determine what that pesky little pain & mass are?"
I do pull out the orders that are in my vanity drawer (how's that for irony) look them over, and stuff them back inside. They have been in the drawer since January now.
My other little voice then loudly pronounces, "what would you do if they can figure it all out?" And the resounding response is, "probably nothing that they would find acceptable."
So, unless they can make a vaginal ultrasound fun -- and I am talking fun like they are able to get Johnny Depp to hold the wand, then NO, I don't want to go through it again for a fourth time in 10 months.
...
And, at the same time I am doing all this wild body-morphing activities (hot yoga, reiki-ish realignments, colonic therapy, infra-red saunas...elixirs and tonics). Still, I feel drained, spent and unmotivated. Interestingly, not when I am in the middle of an experience. Before, after.
It's life after cancer? It's life with cancer? It's life pushing 50?
I have noticed that the dark blue circles under my eyes are becoming fixtures, and creeping slowly toward where the "apples" of my cheeks used to be. I am going through the concealer like its lip balm.
At times I sleep, literally, like the dead. Other times, the slightest sound, rustle, movement startles me awake.
The dreams are curiouser and curiouser.
The pains are curiouser and curiouser; and more persistent.
My body feels like its on full-tilt. I am so keenly aware of every breath, every rumble, every stab, stress, pull, pop. Yet, at the same time I am disassociated from it all.
Something new will manifest, and take hold. My husband asks: "are you concerned?"
Sometimes.
The little voice buried in my semi-conscious wonders "is this symptomatic of ...?..." "should I pull out the latest written orders for tests and just allow the poking and prodding to go on?" "Do you really want to do a fourth vaginal ultrasound and pelvic MRI, just because no one can definitively determine what that pesky little pain & mass are?"
I do pull out the orders that are in my vanity drawer (how's that for irony) look them over, and stuff them back inside. They have been in the drawer since January now.
My other little voice then loudly pronounces, "what would you do if they can figure it all out?" And the resounding response is, "probably nothing that they would find acceptable."
...
And, at the same time I am doing all this wild body-morphing activities (hot yoga, reiki-ish realignments, colonic therapy, infra-red saunas...elixirs and tonics). Still, I feel drained, spent and unmotivated. Interestingly, not when I am in the middle of an experience. Before, after.
It's life after cancer? It's life with cancer? It's life pushing 50?
Good Lord, Snooks! What do you mean they still don't know what the mass is? As a MedPro (I know you love to call people with medical degrees this) I am appalled that they are content to merely keep repeating the ultra-sound given your current diagnosis! WTF? I know you don't like anything invasive, but if they STILL can't figure out what the mass is (or have any medical theories of what it might be, i.e. benign fibrous or fatty tumors) then they need to get off their collective tookass and do a needle biopsy (at the very least) if not an exploratory (which I would prefer)to at least take a look at exactly what the hell is going on. Any surgeon worth his salt can spot a malignant mass just by eyeballing it, which is not to say that everything they see is immediately discernible as either, BUT MOST are easy diagnosed as either malignant or non, just by a visual (which of course is always back up by histological review by the lab, or the surgeon himself (he/she-the surgeon- really should be able to know what a malignant cell/tissue looks like by micro examination,as for pity's sake, even a non-surgeon like myself knows what to look for (When I was in school, we made the diagnosis ourselves and only used the lab for confirmation-I certainly wouldn't trust a faceless lab tech to determine a life changer for my patient unless I had already come to the same conclusion.)I know others who are too harried and busy (sorry, that is not an excuse for a Cancer doc)to make a personal confirmation, and I mean look at the slides THEMSELVES. I would seriously ask the doc if he ever personally confirms by checking out the specimens under microscopy himself. I am sorry, but I think that cancer docs, and most others for that matter, should be type A control freaks who trust no diagnosis without personal confirmation and a minimum of at least one other doc concurring with said diagnosis if it is something truly unusual-most cancers, as tragic and frightening as they are-even the really nasty, aggressive malignancies- are still the typical ones most oncologists see repeatedly. The unusual ones, are, at the risk of being redundant, rare. Please take immediate action, dear friend!-Roomate Kuwie from Old Blighty
ReplyDeletePlease excuse the use of profanity, even if abbreviated,ie, WTF (What's That For, or as Palin might say, Way to the Future)as well, as the unexcusable abuse of the wonderful parens. I am appalled at my lack of judgement and good taste (hyperbole, again goes without saying)as well as forgetting that I am using the very useful (lack of imagination with adverbs again by using 2 forms of the same word, ie, useful and using-awful, I know)parentheses in a particular sentence-sometimes twice, O Horror of Horrors!and running on despite said knowledge of the above (I always admired writers who ignored traditional grammar rules like ee. cummings.) I am still your humble (hyperbole AND exaggeration) servant (again, extreme use of literary tradition, but I would pretty much do what ever it was that I could to make you happy, you have only to ask and I would be your servant,(though I admit, NEVER humble)and sidekick of our old London days-complete with shoot-outs in Trafalgar Square just to scandalize the Brits with their Multitudinous Orthodontia issues (definitely NOT HYPERBOLE-every bit of that statement is true and verifiable with akschual medicull fax.) ADD has definitely kicked in as evidenced by the above myriad, though not uninteresting or unenlightening-like all my ramblings- mindful(and not mindless) meanderings.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, sorry for all of the above-do you think this means I need a blog?
Back in August 2009, I set out the intention of this blog: to be my sanctuary of expression. I did not want to burden those around me with my inane thoughts, emotions, concerns or paranoias as I contended with an unexpectd and unwelcome chapter in my life. If it can also serve to provide anyone else the same sort of expressive sanctuary, for whatever reason, then I am more than happy to share my little corner of the blog-a-sphere. Spew on!
ReplyDeleteI would never expect any other reply from someone with such a generous nature, but apologies just the same.
ReplyDeleteLOL. I do not know if the invitation to SPEW ON puts me in the category of having a "generous nature." It certainly does not put me into a genteel classification. It very well may just be that insanity prefers company. ;=]]
ReplyDeleteJust to clarify, it is not only the med onc sending me off for procedures that make me long for Johnny D., but the GYN's office as well. In my opinion, the core issue is more a lack of coordination on the part of my health care providers. As for a directed action plan to address the current situation, I embraced the harsh truth last year that I have to be my own health care general-contractor. As such, it is very likely that I have created this dynamic by making it very clear that I won't lock-step with cookie cutter approaches. I ultimately ended up with Robin (onc) because she was willing to work with someone who whould only consider suggestions vs. obey directives. My next sitdown with her is March 9. I am aiming to be prepared for a substantive discussion on the current anomaly.