I have not whined in awhile. Ranted, yes. Personally played my own pity violin - not in awhile. I am due.
I find that I am tired. Almost all of the time.
I have noticed that the dark blue circles under my eyes are becoming fixtures, and creeping slowly toward where the "apples" of my cheeks used to be. I am going through the concealer like its lip balm.
At times I sleep, literally, like the dead. Other times, the slightest sound, rustle, movement startles me awake.
The dreams are curiouser and curiouser.
The pains are curiouser and curiouser; and more persistent.
My body feels like its on full-tilt. I am so keenly aware of every breath, every rumble, every stab, stress, pull, pop. Yet, at the same time I am disassociated from it all.
Something new will manifest, and take hold. My husband asks: "are you concerned?"
Sometimes.
The little voice buried in my semi-conscious wonders "is this symptomatic of ...?..." "should I pull out the latest written orders for tests and just allow the poking and prodding to go on?" "Do you really want to do a fourth vaginal ultrasound and pelvic MRI, just because no one can definitively determine what that pesky little pain & mass are?"
I do pull out the orders that are in my vanity drawer (how's that for irony) look them over, and stuff them back inside. They have been in the drawer since January now.
My other little voice then loudly pronounces, "what would you do if they can figure it all out?" And the resounding response is, "probably nothing that they would find acceptable."
So, unless they can make a vaginal ultrasound fun -- and I am talking fun like they are able to get Johnny Depp to hold the wand, then NO, I don't want to go through it again for a fourth time in 10 months.
...
And, at the same time I am doing all this wild body-morphing activities (hot yoga, reiki-ish realignments, colonic therapy, infra-red saunas...elixirs and tonics). Still, I feel drained, spent and unmotivated. Interestingly, not when I am in the middle of an experience. Before, after.
It's life after cancer? It's life with cancer? It's life pushing 50?
I have noticed that the dark blue circles under my eyes are becoming fixtures, and creeping slowly toward where the "apples" of my cheeks used to be. I am going through the concealer like its lip balm.
At times I sleep, literally, like the dead. Other times, the slightest sound, rustle, movement startles me awake.
The dreams are curiouser and curiouser.
The pains are curiouser and curiouser; and more persistent.
My body feels like its on full-tilt. I am so keenly aware of every breath, every rumble, every stab, stress, pull, pop. Yet, at the same time I am disassociated from it all.
Something new will manifest, and take hold. My husband asks: "are you concerned?"
Sometimes.
The little voice buried in my semi-conscious wonders "is this symptomatic of ...?..." "should I pull out the latest written orders for tests and just allow the poking and prodding to go on?" "Do you really want to do a fourth vaginal ultrasound and pelvic MRI, just because no one can definitively determine what that pesky little pain & mass are?"
I do pull out the orders that are in my vanity drawer (how's that for irony) look them over, and stuff them back inside. They have been in the drawer since January now.
My other little voice then loudly pronounces, "what would you do if they can figure it all out?" And the resounding response is, "probably nothing that they would find acceptable."
...
And, at the same time I am doing all this wild body-morphing activities (hot yoga, reiki-ish realignments, colonic therapy, infra-red saunas...elixirs and tonics). Still, I feel drained, spent and unmotivated. Interestingly, not when I am in the middle of an experience. Before, after.
It's life after cancer? It's life with cancer? It's life pushing 50?
