Monday's Random Thought...Thank you D.C.

****** "Does cancer enter us or do we, falling ill, enter the revelation of the universal cancer?" - Guido Ceronetti, Silence of the Body.

Black Hole Sucking Light...

The letter

******

October 1, 2010

Dear TC:

Re: Your breast imaging exam done on September 28, 2010 - Report sent to Robin L Obenchain, M.D.

We have reviewed your recent breast exam (yeah...three days ago, what took you so long? ah...but I wax facetious) and find that we need additional imaging to complete the examination. While the majority of such additional images show nothing of concern, (that's what they said before last year's biopsy...ah...now I wax cynical) it is imperative that they be taken to fully complete your study. Please call our office at ....or your own physician to schedule the needed additional imaging as quickly as possible.

....blah, blah, blah...

We are sorry for this inconvenience, and hope you understand that we need the additional imaging to accurately evaluate our findings and complete your study.

Sincerely....
Scottsdale Medical Imaging

Why do I have this repetitive Beach Boys lyric running through my head each time I read the stupid letter:

And she'll have fun fun fun now that daddy took her T-bird awaaaayyy!

As my 18 year old constantly reminds me, even from 2500 miles away...I am SO weird! but I'll have fun, fun, fun........................

“Living involves being exposed to pain every second—not necessarily as an insistent reality, but always as a possibility,”

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Pain is often referred to in philosophical discussions concerning the fundamental nature of human experience. The meanings and consequences of pain, and/or suffering, have been a topic of writing by philosophers and theologians alike. The experience of pain is, due to its seeming universality, a very good portal through which to view various diverse aspects of human life. (Wikipedia)

“Living involves being exposed to pain every second—not necessarily as an insistent reality, but always as a possibility,” writes Arne Vetlesen in A Philosophy of Pain, a thought-provoking look at an inevitable and essential aspect of the human condition. Here, Vetlesen addresses pain in many forms, including the pain inflicted during torture; the pain suffered in disease; the pain accompanying anxiety, grief, and depression; and the pain brought by violence. He examines the dual nature of pain: how we attempt to avoid it as much as possible in our daily lives, and yet conversely, we obtain a thrill from seeking it. Vetlesen’s analysis of pain is revealing, plumbing the very center of many of our most intense and complicated emotions. (Review - University of Chicago Press)

Pain is a noun (person, place or thing). Pain lurks in the shadows, but never quite leaves me. It has become an insidious, but loyal companion for the last year. Pain was first associated with the post-surgical discomfort from the mastectomy. As my body healed from the surgery I was subsequently assaulted with a different, and more persistent Pain, associated with the four rounds of reconstruction surgeries and procedures. Since I have more or less accepted the ladies “as is,” Pain has taken on a different manifestation.

Pain is with me daily now, but not continuous. Pain now appears to have taken up residence within my chest wall. The width of my chest is just 10 inches. Despite these close quarters, Pain is still a selfish lover. Pain strokes me hungrily underneath the implants –which are shoved below the pectoral muscles. It demands my attention by piercing through my sternum. At times it startles me. Taking me by surprise in a shooting moment. Other times, it snuggles up to me for the day, a dull reminder that my body has gone through a metamorphosis, and as a result must embrace a new paramour. And, like any passionate paramour, Pain at times seems to envelope my whole self, leaving me spent, trying to catch my breath.

CHOICES

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Individually we do not choose to develop cancer. (Arguably carcinogens and cancer cells are within and without us. Since, as a species we suck at the "holistic sustainability" thing it would appear that the carcinogens are outnumbering us. But I digress....) Again, individually, we do not choose cancer. Those of us may smoke too much (of any/many substances). Those of us may drink hard and too much. Those of us may be addicted to processed food. On and on...etc, etc. etc. But at no time as we indulge in these human frailties do we say: HEY…CANCER, let’s do it!

Okay. So, then we do develop cancer. Whether it be breast – ductal, lobular, invasive, non-invasive, HER+, HER-, BRCA1 or BRCA2…blah…blah…blah; prostate; lung; pancreatic; colon. You get the picture. So, there we are. Now what?

The NOW WHAT is when our choices become more poignant. The NOW WHAT is when our choices become more individualized then we could ever anticipate. And, the NOW WHAT is when our choices have an unimaginable impact on those who know and love us (and probably those who don’t like us so much either… certain opposing counsel, you know who I am talking about!).

Are there wrong choices?

Are there smart choices?

Are there self-destructive choices?

Are there plain old stupid, idiotic choices?

Probably. Maybe. Certainly. Human. . .right?

The only thing I know with absolute resolve and certainty is that there are only individual choices. Colored within the context of our own psyche and circumstances.

Do our choices show who we are?
Of course.
Should I judge or be judged by my choices?
Get a life!
Am I different than everyone else.
Of course.
Are my choices right for you?
Only YOUR choices are right for you. If our choices happen to overlap, then maybe we are kindred spirits. (I met a kindred spirit recently who had a tremendous impact on me. A kindred spirit is quite a fabulous find.)

But if our choices repel against each other, my only choice is to respect and champion you and your decisions.  Ah, if only human nature could be as accommodating, regardless of the context...but that is fodder for another blog.

Disclaimer:  On my way back from the 1.5 hour breast MRI on Tuesday I was rear-ended, in rush-hour traffic, on the highway by a car going approximately 30 mph. I was dead still (NO pun intended) stopped for the traffic in front of me. For the science majors our there, the velocity and impact of a stationery vehicle with one going moderate speed is substantial. Among other things, I appear to be functioning (debatable) with a concussion. If the above musings do not make sense, you can choose to attribute it to the concussion - or - I may just be too damn esoteric. I choose the latter.

Hey...I Benefited from the Health Care Bill !

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Over the last few weeks, I had been bantering with my Preferred PPO Health Care Plan about payment for my upcoming Breast MRI. I had been told that in order for the PPO to pay, they needed a current inconclusive mammogram. (I won't rehash the idiocy of the logic, in light of my present diagnosis and determinative tests that were needed to confirm same a year ago. For those gory details, refer to blog entry dated September 23, 2010.)

As we parried and thrusted on the issue of coverage, the Health Care Reform Bill took effect. Voila! This past Monday I was on the phone again for round four with the insurance company (the MRI was scheduled for the next day). Before I could get my vocal chords warmed up I was met with: "Ms. TC, we were just going to call you. We have looked into this matter and of course since it is medically/diagnostically necessary in light of your condition we will most certainly be covering the MRI. We are insurance administrators, it is not for us to determine what is medically necessary for you. If your oncologist has determined that the MRI is a medical necessity, then all she needs to do is put in the correct diagnostic code and it will be covered. Our apologies if there has been any confusion on this issue. Again, medical necessity is determined by your physician, not us."

WOW!!!! No kidding, no sarcasm...the above narrative is as true a retelling I can provide without a court reporter!  The only "change" or intervention that had occurred between my September 20 conversations with Blue Cross/Blue Shield and my September 27 conversation was the implementation of the Health Care Reform Bill. Yes, I had been doing my best B.O.W.* impersonation. I do not flatter myself with having been the cause of their change of heart (or profit ledger).

So there you go. Now if only they would have taken the blasted test for me it would have been a truly wonderful thing!

* B.O.W. = bitch on wheels