A Constant State of Being

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SURREAL is a constant state of being when you live with a chronic disease.

You are in a surreal state of numbness, waiting for the next test / imaging results. Trying to convince yourself you are not worried. Holding your breath while you pretend to breathe.

It is sensorally surreal, the incessant barrage of cancer commercials & tag lines: "changing the face of cancer" "changing the history of cancer" "cancer has a new enemy."

It is incomprehensibly surreal watching pink walkers chanting "Fight, fight, fight" when all I really I want to do is LIVE...LIVE...LIVE.

It is ragingly surreal wondering daily, what does this pain mean; what does that ache indicate.

You are in a protective surreal bubble, convincing yourself that you actually do not mind the bruised veins. That in some grotesque way they are a badge of honor.

It is glaringly surreal being so acutely aware of those moments when you actually feel good, because those moments seem to arrive less often.

It is the epitome of surreal, being awoken each morning by a pain, by an ache, and making the conscious decision that regardless, "it is time to make the donuts," and you are the one that has to do the making.

Deja Vu Calling...

****** The requested blah blah blah biopsy is/was for a CT-Guided Biopsy. Apparently, it is difficult to biopsy axillary nodes with a CT-Guided assist. So, now it is a go for an ultrasound guided biopsy. T-minus 15 hours and counting.

Onc showed and earned some true colors. Onc was uncomfortable with the Confident Arrogant Prick's statements to me [refer back to blog entry dated July 8]. Yes, I did share CAP's comments with her, via her sentinels. I wanted to make sure there wasn't an alternative to "being a bleeder." Onc called me personally, after-hours...no less. She wanted to confirm CAP's comments and share her alarm with me. She also called the next day after she consulted with a radiologist on her preference list - who was equally appalled, reportedly.

Upshot, I am scheduled with Preferred Radiologist for the ultrasound guided biopsy. I will miss CAP's Nurse Christy, however. She was after all, a damn good Certified Breast Patient Navigator in Breast Imaging and Cancer Care! (No kidding, it said so on the wall certificates at the imaging center.)

It has crossed my mind to ask why I did not get referred to PR initially, but deja vu is a tough enough beast to contend with without me always asking the obvious.