Friday, July 29, 2011

Time Out for a Tantrum

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I know that positive thinking is the mantra.
I know that the universe sets the kibosh on us when we ooze out negative energy into its folds.
I know that I am a grown up and should be past the tantrum stage.
But…sometimes…you…just…have…to…SCREAM! And, maybe even STOMP a foot!

In fact, I feel that I NEED to have a TANTRUM so that I can break out of the malaise that is suffocating me right now.


I have not told anyone in my family  - aside from Husband, about the new information and the choices it is now demanding.

WHY no kids? Well, my 21 year old is making us crazy with her homework and “senior” apprehensions. My usual affectionate 19 year old has become quite moody this summer, and I find that at times instead of the sensation of hugs I am wiping off disdain and sarcasm from my shoulders. My 10 year old discovered how irrelevant parental units are to his immediate universe, with his first stint at sleep-away camp. To be candid, I am afraid of how the kids are going to react. At this round, at 10 years old my son understands disease more. I am afraid that my 19 year old will distance herself more from me if she knows. (She withdrew quite a bit during round #1 in 2009.) My 21 year old, she is volatile with her emotions, and…well, her pragmatism sometimes has a bite to it.

WHY no grown siblings? My eldest sister’s birthday was this week, and she is exhausted with moving my niece into new college housing, travelling across country and satisfying every one's "need" to spend time with her. My middle sister – well, I have not been able to see her in two years and I only get her for 20 waking hours this weekend. I would rather hear about her finally being able to fulfill her dream of going back to grad school. My younger brother – I have not seen him in 7 years. I know nothing about his life these days. Hi bro, long time no see, btw… no, not cool. Besides, these siblings did not come into my life till I was 11 years old, and at times I am still feeling my around with them in defining my “role in the club.” I don't want to lay something so heavy into the mix when my membership card has yet to be laminated.

WHY no parents? Mom is very emotional and I end up reverting back to my caretaker role with her – a throw back from childhood when she and I were the sole family unit. And, today is her birthday. Happy 74th birthday Mom…btw…nope, not going to happen.

Am I a coward? Probably. Am I being selfish? Absolutely. Having to accept everyone’s reactions, questions, demeanors – makes it all too overwhelming. I find it hard enough accepting or dealing with myself most days.

SCREAMING into the void of the virtual world? Now that is safe.

Which conjures up a random thought: If you write and nobody reads, have you actually said anything?

6 comments:

  1. I know this wonderful beautiful woman who will slay this unforgiving beast. I have not seen her in way too many years, but she is full of piss and vinegar and her determination I believe is relentless. She will be well.

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  2. You are no coward TC. It's I who have been the cowardly custard the past few days. Ever since you left me your comment on my blog, I've dreaded reading your post. Then Steve read it, and told me "you must read it hon". So I have.

    Cried all day.

    This isn't going to come out very PC, but why you?!? I can think of a lot more people who would probably benefit from cancer (yea yea - bad old Victoria) than you. Like a couple of particular nasty assholes at previous jobs. Of course, no one deserves getting cancer. But why you - you are one of the "Good Ones". A keeper. Lives are enriched 100x fold by you simply being you.

    Well...my first inclination is just to jump on a plane, take charge, take care you & make it all better. Hell - we were thinking of wintering in AZ - now we have a solid excuse.

    However, if there is anyone who by sheer force of will can stop this cancer in it's track & obliterate it, it would be YOU, TC. You'll like the Alice of Resident Evil, with super human powers.

    Please.

    It goes without saying, you have your very own place here, my friend. A sanctuary of peace, calm, life & beauty. And, chickens, cats, daily dose of builder's crevice, lashings of French food, wine and the occassional boar rampaging through the garden.

    Room for all the family should decide to venture over.

    On the pragmatic side, France does afterall have the world's best healthcare. At least according to WHO. Quite progressive country when it comes to healthcare. The French medical system will treat ALL aspects of the disease, including your mental well-being, superb support in-home, and provide treatments in a variety of holistic & traditional methods. Perhaps worth considering. There is medical insurance which will cover treatment in France, btw.

    As for the children's reactions, c'est normale je pense. I remember how all my siblings & I reacted to daddy's lung cancer. It ranged from anger to outright denial, and often a combination of everything in between. Imagine these are quite normal responses. Like my father, you are the rock of the family, the glue, the hub. Ultimately, what it all boils down to is that no one can imagine a world without you. It's frightening & scary for us, and sure as hell for you. Plus, it's important that you don't shoulder this as yet another responsibility, as well. As you said, children find their way.

    So girlfriend, scream away. Stomp your feet. Throw that temper tantrum. Be bloody angry. God knows, I am!

    Love you, hugs & kisses, Vic

    Sent from my iPhone

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  3. Vic - You are SO much better at the tantrum-thing than me! And I say that with love, respect and admiration. Maybe if I threw better tantrums I would be internally healthier? Breaking boards (kykoshin-kai), breaking heads (parent/wife), and making enemies (lawyer/advocate) I guess are not sufficient stress-relevers. Go figure. Check air fares to Toulouse from Phoenix. $25K for the whole herd of us. Ouch! Starting a new-pennie jar. My love to you and Stephen - and my deep appreciation for you guys being out there in the universe for me. xxoo <3

    Now dry your eyes and break something!

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  4. TC - I can now see the turmoil it put you through, but selfishly I am sooooo glad you told us. It makes us feel part of your "club." Love you and can't wait to see you Sunday. Have a great birthday weekend! KCC

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