[Boo-Bee Trap] ... I understand it is a place for you to write some of your most personal thoughts. AND as you know that by posting on the Internet anyone and everyone is privy to those thoughts. An online Blog is very different from a Journal that’s tucked under one’s mattress that the maid or one of your kids discovers. A Journal Blog is not a bad thing. What is curious, and I use that word specifically, is how each of your readers interprets the postings, what projections they use to process the information, and how they respond. As a reader, my lens is myopic, (i.e. the literal word), and the words engage my multivalent imagination to create “other stories.” I read your Blog and “I feel despair.” Why? Because I can’t ask questions, I can’t ask for clarification, I can’t hear your voice, I can’t read your body language, and for all the other things I can’t do from 3,000 miles away.
Journaling under the pillows, hidden in mattresses, holding close the pain, the revelations, the frustrations and anger -- it is not satisfying. It does not provide the cathartic detoxing needed while I maneuver how I am going to manage a chronic disease. I believe that with this particular disease, cancer, I am not alone in this need. The universe, regrettably (and not because I don't like sharing the blog-os-phere, but because it is stark evidence of the proliferation of this epidemic) is replete with others sharing this need.
Why?
For me, it is simple and selfish. The the pain, the revelations, the frustrations and anger I feel - as the one managing cancer, cannot be shouted out loud. Nor can they be tamed to sit quietly as characters on a page. My friends and loved ones cannot and should not suffer the daily dose of the cacophony of feelings and thoughts that wash over and invade me. It is too much. And, nothing I would ask those near and dear to suffer. This is not because I underestimate their strength, but because I see so much pain and worry reflected back at me, coupled with their own need to be reassured that I am okay. At times, the latter is too much responsibility. This is the simple selfish part.
Journaling is good. I have advised many persons on the benefit of doing so. Journaling is a cathartic way of expressing and sorting out our thoughts. But journaling for me at this time is stifling. It keeps the SCREAM isolated inside my own head. And honestly, I am getting a headache!
So, read if you like. Don't if you don't. Add your nuggets of wisdom as you choose. And if you would like to SCREAM along with me, add your voice to the cacophony. After all, if you SCREAM and there is no one to hear you, than how can you be sure that you really made any noise? Boo-Bee Trap blog post dated August 16, 2009.
At the same time, the sheer weight of what goes on in my soul, mind and heart on a daily basis cannot be contained in pages stuffed in a drawer. There is no relief. The blog-os-phere is the immediate spectral universe that is at my disposal. I can write, vent, scream, cry, organize, distill and guilt-free "share" (aka unburden) in the time it takes to click a mouse. (hmmm...maybe the EPA should do an environmental impact study on the toxins I am purging...but I digress) The images chosen for each blog is a peep hole into my state of mind when I am writing - reflective of my inner lens, or just base exhibitionism.
The "payoff", if that is the correct noun, is the varied responses and perspectives of my small readership. It breaks through the isolation and allows me to look through someone else's lens - whether that lens belongs to a stranger in Greece, Iceland, Latvia, Russia, India, France, the Ukraine, or dear friend 3000 miles away.
If all of this stuff were confined within conventional privacy, at least for me, the organic and chemical toxicity that I physically strive to manage would ultimately seep into and poison my soul.
