Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Guessing at the Causes & Effects...the "What ifs" when you live with the Big C

Pain shoots through my armpit (axillary if you are medically squeamish) down the inside of my arm.

I instinctively hold the area.

The pressure makes it worse.

Pain radiates across my abdomen.

Catching my breath.

I take deep yoga breaths trying to calm my inner self ~ both physically and emotionally.

I rise from the chair and my spine crunches and compresses.

I walk for the first few minutes gripping my elbows behind my back (thank G-d for good muscle memory & flexibility from bygone dance and martial arts).

I am so damn clumsy! Either I am emitting a negative polarity to solid objects, or going through another adolescent growth spurt. (Oops...5-0 bday looming...I mean second adolescence.)

The newest blood work came back, concerning low white blood cell and red blood cell counts,even after 6 weeks of being on supplements for both. (On a new vegan prenatal vitamin with 45 mg of iron picolinate...NO...I am not preggers I just covet their multi vitamins.)

My body is fighting an invader so my white blood cell count should be on terminator mode (think Nintendo Brawl fully loaded...yes, I have a 10 year old).

Is it apoptosis** performing seppuku with the cancer cells in my...yes say the icky word with me...armpit?

Is it apoptosis** inducing the controlled suicide of suspected infiltrating cancer cells in my peritoneum?

Is the high dose of Vitamin C I dread taking into my veins weekly ~ dread because of the pressing frontal headache, spaciness, fatigue and violent nausea that accompanies the cold drip into my sore veins ~ finally becoming my personal avenger?

Is it because all those years of pirouettes, leaps and grande battements taking its toll?

Is it because all those years of full contact sparring (sweetened with too many concussions and broken ribs) my body is rebelling?

Is it something as simple and treatable as anemia repressing my body from donning its crusader role?

The problem with cancer is the "what ifs"? Before you have, or least before you know you have cancer, you assign your symptoms to mundane causes and shake it off.

Now that the disease has infiltrated my body, my mind becomes hypervigilent with considering the "what ifs."

The mundane becomes the secondary thought, and shaking it off becomes a learned and concerted effort.

italicized words = dripping sarcasm

**Apoptosis, or programmed cell death, is a normal component of the development and health of multicellular organisms. Cells die in response to a variety of stimuli and during apoptosis they do so in a controlled, regulated fashion. This makes apoptosis distinct from another form of cell death called necrosis in which uncontrolled cell death leads to lysis of cells, inflammatory responses and, potentially, to serious health problems. Apoptosis, by contrast, is a process in which cells play an active role in their own death ~ which is why apoptosis is often referred to as cell suicide.

1 comment:

  1. Varicose veins symptoms in pregnant women also seem to become more important, although many of the symptoms disappear after the baby is born.